Running after Jesus and my desire to dance for him.

I find myself running after Jesus and marveling at those who never seem to run after him at all, but finding him, all the same. They find him so brilliantly, so vividly. And I strain and stretch, run and fret. I want to be Mary at his feet but find myself Martha sweating the details in the kitchen. One of my goals in this move to Lubbock was to recapture some of the calm. It all worked for a while, but now my struggle has returned. Why does seeking God with my whole heart seem so frenzied, so chaotic. Are my internal mechanisms that messy. I love the quiet of the mountains, the peace of a star-lit sky, and I feel the presence of God and even feel that I hear his voice more clearly in the stillness.

Why is that simplicity, silence, solitude and solemnity are so hard to achieve. (Where did all those "s"-es come from?) Achieve? Attain? Acquire? Seems those very active words are even counter to my goal. They all involve me doing something, maybe even something more, not less. Those four elusive ladies of spiritual peace dance ever beyond by grasp. I try to learn the steps of the intimate dance of deepening communion with my God, but find my earthly coordination leaves me short of mastering a dance I love to watch but can not emulate. Seems the harder I try the more practice remains before I will master the dance.

I know, I know. Quit fretting. Slow down. But I want to dance a dance of joy before him. A beautiful, slow, unhurried, glorious dance, before Him. I feel that my dance is not very pretty, neither handsome nor smooth. I trip a lot, I fear. I pray he sees me differently. I really can't see him watching me dance at all. But maybe, I will rest in the hope that he always helps my dance bring honor to his name. 

So I dance ..., and try not to run.

I was pointed to a beautiful peaceful place by Nan Camp and Amy Cary, who serve as our co-children's ministers. I have found yet another pilgrim who has found our Savior in a quiet place. http://aholyexperience.com (do not do a google search for it, just copy this link, trust me. Some days I hate the internet more than others) 

Lord, I want to dance. Dance for you. Dance in your presence, dance with all who seek you... Dance to the song you sing... Dance to the music of heaven... Dance beneath and between the angels... Dance at the song that brings us into your eternal presence and your glory. Lord let me dance for you.