Hey dad.

Why was I so unable to seek the opportunity to speak to my father when he was present and so willing now to wish I could rest in his presence now that he is away? I guess it never seemed urgent, ... rarely appeared valuable ... , and I feared a lecture (or at minimum, more information and advise than desired. Maybe I thought he would live forever. He appeared to be a near-super hero. Flawed as he was, he was my hero, and he is gone.

I could now honor him so much more appropriately with my present knowledge and experiences. How was I to know how challenging parenting was to be when I was a child myself. My station in life precluded my view of my predicament. We could laugh together, now. He could tell me stories of "me" my young mind discarded. His laughter and musing about his joy and pain over me; priceless memories, priceless artifacts forever lost. Once they were retrievable, but now they are with him in a far away place.

At the time of his death (April 15, 1980) I remember feeling a twinge of bitterness towards my siblings for the extra time they had with this man. I cried "unfair"! While I would not characterize it as bitterness, now, I am jealous of the extra moments only they had with dad.

Maybe your journey has covered a similar path.

While I would love to hear his voice, (even an occasional reprimand would be welcomed) I long more for his ominous larger-than-life presence. He really wasn't much of a hugger. Always willing but rarely pursuant. He was soft to hug (at least in the days of my childhood). His dark slacks and white starched and ironed shirts were all permeated with the smell of his "Chesterfields". Polished shoes; Floresheims! One heel always customized, "built-up" to compensate for a broken leg as an older teen leaving him 1/2" shorter on his left. Snow white hair always in place. Trifocals seemed to be permanently affixed. How I miss his raucous laughter, the feel of his rough and slightly scarred hands with thinning, blood-blotchy skin (mine is becoming more like his everyday) and the feeling I got when I followed him silently through the dairy. His hands seemed huge, like he could hold me, ...and the whole world within them. I do not ever remember him to ever exhibit any fear (even when he probably should have). He was a giant in my eyes.

Could I ever be a giant? I know my kids love me. That's a good thing. But I do wonder about where I stand in the scope of influence in their lives. I don't need to be on the top of any mountain, but I would like to know I was near the top. I just want to know I have done my job, and be sure I have done it well! Three out of the four are "raised" and independent. One is embarking upon teenager-dom and has learned the lessons of life very well to this point. They've all heard the same repetitious stories of triumph and failure. Each has seen me at my best and my worst. I pray I have honored my father and now, my own fathering profession. To have failed them would be painful indeed.

By the way, ... "Dad, ... you were the top!" Words which ring hollow in the silence of his absence.

I imagine he has saved those stories. Because I still need to hear them. Maybe, someday, I will.

Be Still My Soul

On this the three decade anniversary of my father's death, I thought it appropriate to share another memory.

My dad loved music. I rarely saw him happier than when he was tapping his foot or singing along with the radio

or one of the few records he owned. It might have been Dixieland or Tennessee Ernie Ford, but if he loved it, it showed.

I remember a few times our family would sit together and sing. In the car, in the boat, or in the living room somebody

would venture across the awkwardness of starting a song and soon we would all join. I think he would like this.

So, here's to you dad. This one's for you, ... and for me, ... today

I Surrender All, Again

Draw a circle.

Look at it. Its a simple form to clearly notate what is “inside” and, just as poignantly, what is “outside” the sphere. No confusion, no ambiguity, crystal clear clarity in a world of relativity.

If we put something in the circle, we know it isn’t outside the circle and vis-a-versa. How beautifully simple.

In that circle begin to write all the things you need, want and desire for life. Write what you possess, and also what possesses you. Its in your circle.

So go ahead, start to work. But this heart-searching endeavor will take some time. I want you to attempt to put everything you can think of that belongs inside that circle in that circle.

Sounds simple enough. One might say, “I know my priorities and my stuff.”

Now be careful, don’t write these possessions, characteristics, and attitudes in the place you wish them to be, but instead, where they really are, today.

As you may be beginning to see, this may take a while.

In terms of time this will not be completed in minutes, but in reality, years. As time passes you will realize other items needing to be placed inside and outside of your circle. Keep this circle near you. Put it in your Bible, or your bedside table. As you pray, refer back to it.

I remember a pastor of mine (he was the preacher for the church, but he was indeed my shepherd) commenting about the condition of his yard. I had just noted that his yard looked like it needed a little attention; maybe some water and fertilizer. He chuckled at my innocent question and my blindness.

He responded, “the more attention I give to my yard, the more of me it possesses. The more I water and fertilize, the more I have spent on it. The more it grows the more I need to mow, and then I might even need a better mower. Eventually, I spend more time edging and pampering and then even comparing to others on my block. It begins to possess me, more and more.”

I stood in stunned silence at his wisdom. Inside my head I found myself looking at my own circle; the things that I possessed and the things that had come to possess me. It was an epiphany. All the goals, desires, and aspirations of my life were laid in clear contrast and judgment against what were in other terms, the trappings of this world.

It applies to your house, your car, your memberships, your volunteer organizations, your invitations, your toys (boats, motorcycles, hobbies, recreation), and everything else. I’ve been taught to not use superlatives, but in this instance I will not refrain.

You have complete control of your circle. What gets in. What stays out. Sure circumstances come our way, not of our choosing, but we control our reaction to those circumstances. We control how much “space” they get. We control how they will linger and influence.

Corrie ten Boom’s (Hiding Place ) circle came to include even the lice and fleas inhabiting her cell. She counted the blessing as the reason the guards would not come near to torment them, as they had repeatedly, before.

My circle is often filled with soured discontent. I selfishly obsess about what others have that I don’t. At times I sing verse after verse of “poor, poor, pitiful me”. I whine and fall into angst over mindless earthly desires. And even when I do acquire what I thought I needed, the “high” is only a moment.

Rich Mullins wrote these words in his song Hold Me Jesus,

Surrender don't come natural to me at all

I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I've beat my head against so many walls

Now I'm falling down I'm falling on my knees

Will I finally fall to my knees and surrender?

My circle is way to big, or maybe just too encumbered my useless things.

You decide what gets in and what has to go. Nobody controls your circle. Nope, don’t make excuses. Its your circle. Neither God in all his power now Satan in all his deception has ultimate earthly authority over your circle.

What’s in your’s? Family. Spouse. Children. Education. Car (or cars). House. Habits. Preferences and prejudices. With all the veneer peeled away and the contents of your circle clear to everyone, but especially to yourself, ... what’s in your circle.

Has it happened to you yet? Have you said, “I’m gonna need a bigger circle!” Not that the statement makes us happy, its just a reality. I came to a place where I wrestled with the thought of not only being “in this world”, but potentially “of this world”! I have fought this every day! How did this happen! I’ve been fighting against Satan getting a measly foothold in my life and “lo and behold” he built a porch while I was looking the other way. The rat moved in!

In the fight for your life and soul, our Father attempts to influence our circle (not control). He calls to us to allow the indwelling Spirit to influence our circle from the inside out. Satan

But, maybe I need a smaller circle?

Simplify. Simplify!

I get so drawn up into my stuff, ... the stuff that surrounds me in this world, ... stuff I want, ... stuff that looks like fun, ... stuff that seems so stinkin’ innocent!

Andrew Petersen, sings in Land of the Free speaks of a young lady in South America living in poverty without the same temptations.

‘cause I’m just a little jealous of the nothing that you have
unfettered by the wealth of a world that we pretend is gonna last
they say God blessed us with plenty, I say you’re blessed with poverty
‘cause you never stop to wonder whether earth is just a little better than
the Land of the Free

well, I’m weary of the spoils of my ambition
and I’m shackled by the comfort of my couch
I wish I had the courage to deny these of myself
and start to store my treasure in the clouds
... ‘cause this is not my home, I do not belong
where the antelope and the buffalo roam

Words and music by Andrew Peterson.

Look at your circle, again. Its unfinished, but you’ve got at least a start. Honesty should prevail as you ponder the items. You’ll most likely move a few around as the Spirit convicts and affirms. Some will move to the inside as denial turns to confession. Some will move from inside to out, as what we hope for is smashed by the realities of our brokenness. You’ll create a longing for a few of the things outside the circle as they become non-negotiables for inclusion for the circle.

What items are in the circle that need to be outside the circle; the ones that aren’t healthy, helpful, or or in anyway spiritual?

What items outside the circle need to come in? Those things which you know you need, the ones you want and need but haven’t prioritized to a place inside the circle.

As you ponder your circle, how does it look to you. Is it as you had imagined? Is your circle (both inside and out) a depiction of Godly priority and spiritual journey or something else?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULNH9svens0

Its Hard to Believe

It is my blessing today to teach for a second time a group of 50 rostered freshmen at LCU. The real number will be closer to 40 as the last few trickle into the classroom. They tell me the 4:00 p.m. class was preferable to the 8:00 a.m. option. Their surprised stare in awkward as they see my unfamiliar face in the front of the classroom. Starry eyed college newbies, and skeptical, over-churched students will take their seats to hear what this aged substitute will say. I assume I will have about 3 minutes to gain or lose their attention.

The subject; Jesus and the Gospels. This week I get to cover Mark's account of Jesus. On Tuesday I asked how many had even read Mark's Gospel. The response was mixed. Some said yes, others offered the truth of their laziness. Still others watched to see what others said before offering their hand to answer for themselves. Then I asked them to read for about 8 minutes. Some did not have a Bible. They joined with others who brought their text book. So they began to read chapters 3-7. It was encouraging to see frustration on some faces when time did not allow them to finish.

The Bible doesn't deserve to be boring, or even terribly predictable. No, I don't expect that the words have changed, but that the words are changing me, ... unpredictably. When I read about this man, Jesus, I should expect that He can always surprise me, challenge me, change my mind about him and what he wants from me.

Jesus isn't easy to believe. There was a time when I thought He was easy to accept, to follow. But the truth of the matter is He expects a lot. Not an unreasonable obedience, but hard. Actually impossible. (I assume you agree, unless you have mysteriously and erroneously avoided a need for grace.) So, why should I be frustrated if these students look at me with the same skepticism read about in Mark's gospel. Even those disciples tossed about by the waves and then see the calm waters still wondered who he was. Those who watched the strong man living in the tombs, naked, and possessed by many demons come to his right mind, questioned sensibility and sanity of both Jesus and the other crazy man.

I told the students on Tuesday, "The gospels weren't written as merely a news account, nor a physical history of Jesus. These words were written to work on the hearts and minds of real people, wrestling with what to do with, and what to believe about a man named Jesus."

I told them they should do the same. Today, the assignment was simple. they will

God, be with me today, in every hour. I offer myself to you and to Jesus; in whom I truly believe. Help me to offer to these students the authentic Jesus. To help them encounter him as he really is. May I offer them a view of Jesus with all of the intended difficulty to believe and inspire them to believe with all of the commitment it will take to believe in Jesus in this world.

The LORD is still teaching me patience. Even this statement tells me that his patience endures through example. Michael Taylor, a longtime friend, mentor, and confidant posted a video recently which has been wearing on me. You can read more from Michael at http://michaeltaylor.cc/

I am unable to discern any single purpose for posting this item. I have been affected on many levels. Was I patient with my children as their youthful exuberance repeated questions, not so much to be answered, but as a cry for my attention? Am I listening when others speak, or am I already forming my response, as they speak. Are others as important as "me"? What does my life say to "them"? Are others (thoughts, needs, hurts, desires) not just as pressing as my own?

Ann Voskamp, another of my electronic mentors, (http://www.aholyexperience.com/) relays her thought that every bush is ablaze with the glory of God, if we would but notice. This thought slows me down (on my good days) enough to allow me to see the miracles around me, to hear the magic of sound and explore the unending myriad of color. And see life!

LORD, forgive my selfish impatience. Help me to see the sparrows. Help me to hear and see others. May I embrace the moment, live in the moment, celebrate you in each moment.

Matt 10:28Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a pennyd]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[d]? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.